Devastation

Ill leave a rose at the stone of where our love lies. Ill weep a little and maybe die slowly inside. Ill talk to the plants that grow wildly by its side. The life of our love waiting to break through the stiffling earth of mistakes past. The death of faith once so strong, loses everything and weakens from the inside. What we had was pure symmetry, laughs and pain balled up in one. What has left us all dried up so quickly. Everything just refuses to hang on. I feel you here inside of me, a little voice inside my heart. Telling me to just keep tryin until there is nothing left. Remind me again of how it is. Assure me again of how its gonna be. Something keeps telling me its all gonna be worth it one day but right now, its all just the most piercing pain. Be back in MY arms, come home to me. Give me your voice and I promise you'll always have all of me.. Rest in peace my love, may the light bring you home..

Always and forever..

You are all I needed, all I wanted. You are the moon, the sun, the rain and the stars that stare so brightly into my eyes. I watched you become who you are, being the one person who believes so greatly in the capabilty to keep moving on. You've been so brave, so strong at heart. I'm so very proud of you and I so wish I could have the chance to tell you that its okay. It will be okay.. It may not be perfect but I'm here, you'll always be here, this will always be here.. Remember that it all has to happen, remember that it's all hard for a reason. Breathe and live everyday, feel the pain and one day you will be able to be thankful that you don't have to feel it. And, as they all say so often, you don't know what you're missing until you don't have it. This is the time to stay strong, this is the time to stand alone. You may grow cold and it may get dark but remember dear that in the end there will be a light. It may not shine as brightly as you'd like but it will be there to save you from the night.. What is lost is never gone, what is treasured will always be borne. Learn what you can while you can learn it and leave a legacy right along with it. Be the best you can be and breathe all the fresh air you can breathe. Love what is yours and dream of what could be. Last of all remember that sometimes, thats just where it needs to be..

The legend of bagger vance

My favourite part of the legend of bagger vance -

I don't want to do anything that might disrupt your concentration...but since our little encounter, I've been thinking...Ten years and not a single, solitary word from you?You don't do that to someone you love.I deserve some correspondence, and some indication of what you felt. I don't know what happened to you. But whatever it was...it wasn't as unbearable...as a woman waiting with no end in sight...wondering if she's remembered or forgotten by the man she loves. You never even said you were sorry. Now I'm supposed to run into your arms and melt like butter on a hot muffin? I'm sorry, Adele. I am truly sorry. It's too late for "I'm sorry", Junuh! Then tell me what to say. It was too long ago. No, it wasn't. It was just a moment ago.

My Pre-Christmas Cheer

Where are you christmas? Where are the smiling faces and coloured lights? All I see is darkness and things that are so awefully black and white. Where is my christmas miracle? My one wish come true? Where is MY christmas? It's left.. The same as you... I miss the laughs the dumb jokes, the hugs and the patience. I miss all the times you smiled at me when all I did was make a mess.. Nobody gets me like you do,nobodys gonna be the same. I so hope this pain goes away. Help me wipe away these tears one more time and help me chase away these fears of being left behind. I need to breakout of this stupid mess alone this time and it's not going as planned. I'm getting weaker day by day and these drops of missing you won't go away. My poor heart stops at the thought of you, just so I can hold back these leaking eyes.. My lungs forget to breath and I get all choked up inside. Where is my christmas? When will it come? Don't I get something nice from santa this time roun?

Dark clouds shrouding me

The street lights sparkle in the dew of the morning air. The city lies awake as if unaware of the time of day. All seems so alive though it is mostly asleep, nothing but moving shadows of the sleepwalker's dream. I wish I could walk among the midnight stars, glare up into the sky and just close the doors. If only my past stops haunting me, this sleepwalker will not be walking within her dreams. Only for tonight maybe i tell myself. This one last time, I know I should confess.. Maybe love was meant to leave me to bleed, maybe its my flaw, my pain to breathe. Every sin I sin in vain, for every shadow just remains. Lurking in the dark corners of my thoughts, coming only when I'm hurting most. Mostly when I lie awake, when I open my eyes to a brand new day. It always starts seeing your face. Knowing I can't have you with me throughout the day. Now I find the world turns dark, everytime I hear another door shut. Right in my face you leave me to think. Leaving your trail of betrayal not far behind, you pretend that you're still mine. Let me off this hook that cuts so deep, let me loose from the hanging cliff.

Not cryin over spilt blood

It used to be a great laugh, it was thought to be a great partnership. We were made in heaven just like gummy bears when u make me angry. Things change, yes i am very much aware. But do you have to constantly help me fly and then drastically let go? If not to be my lover then atleast remain the companion that helped me fight my demons. Ahh but the sweet saying that I love so well never ceases to captivate me.. Every freakin thing happens for a freakin reason. And I stand by it.. I always will I think.. But remember, one day, I'll be there for you even though you don't see me right infront of you offering you my shelter. I will be the one to save you and right then.. You can't have me.. I'm growing. I'm learnin from every single mistake I've made. And now, I don't need this 'I love you but its too hard right now to be there for you all the time and I have to go through this alone crap'! Muax!

(!?..!?)

All this talk of darkness, never seems to fall. All the shade we hide in, gives us such little time. Nod our heads and close an eye, to things we choose not to believe. Though we drown in what surrounds us, it is merely what we end up having to breathe. The smell of soot, of filthy lies. Of "innocent" lying through our teeth. We wish we may just at a sight, be rid of things that give a fight. Just to give in and fall to our knees; to make this life closer to complete. Seeing no circumstance to throw a fist in through a door. Seeing instead its steady alternate route closer to smelling the raw tiles on the floor. Backing down seems cowardly but sometimes made too big. Somethings just don't make a diff while others create the ultimate change.

Lost in this tranlation one time too many. Back to the same sequence in the same old routine I keep running circles in. Back to square one again, where every rainbow coloured cloud eventually turns a dull dusty grey. Thats not gonna be me again, all I'm seeing is a delicate and subtle bright golden sun, pink and purple clouds and an almost beaming army of green leaves everywhere! haha.. abit too optimistic? owh well! bttr all full up than half full or half empty ey? :D

PS: this means no more nonsense! from me... (**,) riiite... haha..

TaDaa!

Yes, i believe the time is right. I believe i see the world just taking flight. I know where i am and where i sorta wanna be. And right now, amazingly, I am right where that is. I'm all grown up, or atleast i'm gettin there. hehe.. better than nothing rite?? duhh!! I can move on and I can stand still i can do anythin and not have to wonder what anyone else is doing. I can be what I wanna be and all I need to do is prove it to myself! Yes, yes, my friends have told me all this before but it is much easier said than done. And I do believe that this feeling can't be done. It has to be much welcomed with open arms from a whole bunch of overthought issues into a giant pile of burning past. Time to deal with what i have infront of me. Not what is coming and not what has past. Just what is here, what is now, what or shall i say who I AM.

Glitter

I feel like throwing up but somehow I dont think its the food poisoning. I feel like screaming but somehow I feel it isnt cause im growing. I feel the world crashing down right at my feet just waiting for me to pick up the pieces. Its gettin old, its gettin too long and hard. Give me the right songs, give me the right lines. Help me find the right wings to take flight on to soar the great blue sky. Light the way and i will follow, out of my darkness please let me come along. I will snap out of this I know I can. Give me time and lend me a hand. Tomorrow will bring a brand new plan. ;)

-------

Let me let go of this mask i wear, let me replace it with something else. This is losing colour and all vitality, its losing emotion and leaves only one hanging. Wanting all that was in my past to somehow happen again to remind me how to feel. Oh God please tell me what you want of me and help me conquer it. I need a past and a future, I cant live in this hole of despair wondering where to place my steps. Why do I keep on falling, where can I drift away? Let me start breathing, a brand new breed of air.. I know this is what I keep asking but is this all there is to be? Is it always only to be a question? a simple request from me?

illusion

An illusion is a story,a tall tale. It's a bright and shining story that masks a hidden darkness. Words of a wonderful writter that is David Gemmell. A phrase so perfect, so flawless. One that describes who we all have become at one point or other. Circumstances that force us to have to put on that smile when all inside you is screaming and ripped apart. A hidden darkness.. I feel it, tucked within me. Far away inside but I feel it, i feel every morsel of it dying to get out. I won't let it breathe not all at one time though know theres a safe landing. People to help me stay strong. I feel the shadows calling to me sending me messages through my pain, and still I feel the world is so amazing. Still the most beautiful place. Life is great even with shadows of darkness, love surrounds me constantly although sometimes all the love pierces the heart. I keep close to my illusions my little drama act, I stay within my dreams and convince every other actor that I'm doing fine and you know, it doesnt hurt so much. ;)

Scarlet Night

In the darkness burns a scarlet flame upon a candle that never seems to dim. Standing alone. Lost in all the nothingness and yet still able to find its light. A candle that burns forever, a candle that cannot be drowned out by night. All around is fading, everything feels the same. My mended heart keeps pounding and the flame calls out my name. It beats its light toward me and brings me close to its warmth, I feel the flame surround me and my heart and it both beat as one. From its fire falls its wax, black like the night it seemed to be; like all the dark nights that keep haunting me. It drips upon the ground so cold and once again onto my toes. Seeping through my pale skinned bones. Keeping me awake in my silent scream when i feel alone inside my dream. The dream that creeps in as I wake; the waking cold throughout the day. The light that burns and bleeds the night. Forming my shadows that keep out of sight to hide the demons that remain immortal for all time.

maybes and what ifs

Maybe just today, maybe not tommorrow, maybe for eternity, maybe never in a distant lifetime. Never certain because there is no ultimatum, never certain because everything seems too dangerous. Time to break free, time to be me, time to get lost, time to find thoughts. Time to hide in my corner, time to be lost in my shadows, time to be aware and time to not know where Im headed. Senseless thoughts runnin circles in my head, another lost rant going about me. Colliding in bursts of anger, in tiny bursts of uncertainty. Knowing exactly what i'm capable of but not knowing at all what it is i need to be doing. Taking everybody's crap and in turn giving mine, making no sense at all of life. Need a break to breathe and laugh. Set me free of this crime of mine. A crime so sweet all life seems blind. Maybe just today, maybe not tommorrow, maybe for eternity and maybe never in a distant lifetime.

BiTez!

How many of us have reached that point of exhaustion where nothing else in the world seems to matter anymore? Like just when you catch your breath from one mistake, you turn around and get smacked in the face by another mistake thats waiting to happen. Life matters to those who value it. Such wise words coming from someone who was probably having a good day or week. What happens when we value life so much that everything matters? What happens when everything that goes wrong pierces the gut like a knife? Do we cease to value all that surrounds us or do we keep moving on until the blades of life cut us completely out of the light. We need to breath and wallow in glories of our own to appreciate the choices we've made and learn to brush off the stupid things we fall into. I am going to live my life for me and whoever comes to change it will have to mean everything and will have to respect that sometimes, I may be a little selfish.

iNtO tHe LiGhT...

Sometimes we try so hard to define ourselves, testing our tolerance over and over again just to check if anything within us has changed. It gets hard to cope and sometimes it jz drowns us in misery. What helps is to eventually remember that it is not us that we need to define, it is our priorities. What we need to set limits to is the importance in our life that should not be questioned. Who we are is only temporary because in time, our preferences change, our needs vary and what we believe in is bombarded by the truths of reality. The obscenity of thought is that we peep at our minds too often. We try to read between the lines that need not the fine detailed attention we scorn it with. It shows us clearly what we need to see, only what we can handle at a time. Dwell not within the darkness in your hearts instead, keep searching for the glimpse of light and hold on for dear life. Let no one take it away and let not the darkness taketh you into its hole.

quotes

Favourite love quotes:

- Here it is! The very essence of me! It is yours to nurture or destroy.
(Troy,David Gemmel)

-After all, Im just a girl standing infront of a boy asking him to love her.
(Notting Hill)

-“I cannot fix on the hour, or the spot, or the look, or the words, which laid the foundation. It is too long ago. I was in the middle before I knew that I had begun."
(Pride and Prejudice, Jane Austen)

-Meredith Grey: At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. Its like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And its not so important happy ever after, just that its happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you , and once in a while people may even take your breath away.
(Grey's anatomy)

-Dorothy: I love him! I love him for the man he wants to be. And I love him for the man he almost is.
(Jerry Maguire)

- Jerry Maguire: I love you. You... you complete me. And I just...
Dorothy: Shut up, just shut up. You had me at "hello".
(Jerry Maguire)


- 'Theres a kind of love that makes you feel anything is possible. That you can be anyone. I want you to have that."
(Nights in rodanthe)

NiCk NiCk'S BiRthDaY!

Yesterday was our dear nick-nick's birthday! We had lotsa laughs about things that shan't be metioned for many many reasons! haha.. We got him his very first apron to kick of his culinary career.. It wuz vry vry him! Cant wait for our future visits to chef nicholas's kitchen! hehe.. Speaking of fooood.. Dinna was sumwhat delish! woohoo! cheesebaked spaghetti with hawaiian tuna baby!! YuuMMmm! Damn, shud have taken picture to tempt everyone! hehe.. Anyways, Our nick nick is legal now... Looks like Im the only "innocent" one in the group now. All waiting for my birthday next. Maybe I should start my bday wishlist? hahhaha. Just kidding!! Back to NICK's bday again, the place wuz sowh cute again, for reasons i shan't mention. Lets just say, that it stuck to it's name and gave alot of good vibes(feeling) with singing that was pretty good thanks to the added guitar skills to back em. Managed to enjoy though I couldn't understand a single thing they sang! I should sowh learn chinese! Someone teach me pwease.. Haha.. I liked that place! "feeling it!"... Just so u get da dumb jokes Im throwing out, the place is called "feeling cafe". Hahaha.. Must promote abit.. :) All in all, I like yesterday.. I wuv my fwenz though Gaga wuz missing. :( We'll hv to make sure he makes it next time yea.. MUUAAXXX!! Whoops! i 4got to end the post with what happened at the end.. When we dropped nick home we took a picture..(as u can c up there!) hehe.. Thats not my punch line.. Punch line is, HO RAN OVER NICK'S FOOT!!! ON HIS BIRTHDAY!! hahahahahahhaa... owh wait, nick referred to that as FUN! silly dumpling! haha.. It wuz ONLY your toes rite nick? hahaha... MUAX!

BuZzZz...

My mind feels like a puzzle that refuses to fit all together, like theres a beautiful picture in the end that just takes way to much patience and effort to get to. I believe ill get there eventually.. My so called nirvana so to speak, where trees dance and cherry blossoms bloom everyday of the year. Where the rivers flow into each other and music is playing all around. Too bad this aint the time! This is the time for decisions, for love seeking, for career development and most of all for socializing? haha.. Gosh life feels complicated! Just like those jumbled things posing as words!

~*~New ballet shoes~*~

Lying awake in her sleep, she controls all that spins in circles in her dreams. As she succumbs herself into her slumber, she pretends the whole world ceases to matter; though she knows she dances with fairytales. She remains that ever graceful ballerina that graces the stage knowing every step as if it were a breath she needed to take. With every soft rehearsed breath, with every preplanned step, she moves.. As though she knew what were to happen, as if she knew what would be next. She knows where she is headed although her audience can do nothing but be amazed. Another twirl, another leap for love, all just part of what she already rehearsed. When will she throw another pair of slippers away? When will she decide to change her stage? Time to breathe in a new tune, time to dance in the moonlight. Time to sing to every new step, time to try a new brand of air.

CaMeRa HaPpY!

Today wuz a gud gud day! duno y but it jz feels great! hehe.. So wat to do when youre happy, jz home from bein ur make up artist sister's model n have a camera lyin around? haha.. uhuh! CAM WHORE!! haha..

Gosh! i ony like this one cuz i dun look as rojak as usual! i look chinese! haha..

MOJOJOJO!!!

BLUEK!!!

Haha... muax!!

Shadow poets..

What once was our stolen eclipse in time has now been reduced to simple rhymes. It is true that a poet can live on his words alone but what happens when there is no story to be told? When there is no tale of stolen hearts or simple quests. If there are no more journeys in this book that isnt from the past. Put this poet out of misery and set his soul wild and free. Free from broken shards of glass that pierce this poet's already broken heart. Mend it not one more time for I fear there is no more. No more for this poet to give up, no more for this poet to look past. This poet has lived on his words alone for far too long, the same words that have been arranged in all its wonderful ways over and over again. No more I ask from you, because far beyond this distant hue, you stand there not knowing how many times I twisted this story for you. Im tired now, leave me be. Let this poet out of misery, let her shadow dance with another again for even her shadow has faded away. Leave her not to live on your words alone for there are no more words of yours to bring warmth to this cold. Im tired of living on the same words alone hoping one day your fire burns again, it isnt fair for this poet to have no tale.

toot toot!

Feelin like such an idiot today. Werk wuz painful, dats wat i get 4 not buyin proper shoes. Sowh, hurm.. Lets see, y do i feel like such an idiot? Simply cuz i keep fallin faster n faster into da deep pit of evrythin dull n lonely. Argh! Though i tink its jz d sleepies talkin. I wish I could just jump off this silly train to nowhere that keeps going round in circles. But owh well! Silly train has such an amazing name u jz gota sit tight n hold on! YEA, LIFE is its name! muahaha! it strikes again! HAHA, well, its dust off my shoulder now. Shaking it all off! muax!

These r da crazy ppl in my life. Whether its rain or shine in my life they always make my day worth it. MUAX!

This is the last tmrw..

I have found what ive been missing and it feels amazing. Im not pushin anythin away to tommorrow again. Im livin for today and this is who I m to be. Im not gonna say that maybe someday I'll change instead I know that even if someday comes, Im still gonna be this way! Im letting go of all hopes for a wonderful tmrw cuz I have an amazing today to make whatever comes my way worth it.. muax muax!!

Painted Butterflies

Hurm..all new to this blogging thingie n im all happy today! Lets hope this joy doesnt go away.. Its time to dream of pretty butterflies and coloured rainbows. Skipping with unicorns in enchanted palaces. Time for a new page in my book of tales, its time to let go of tommorrows and live only for now. Time to stop pretendin its gona be okay and let myself breathe once again. No more regrets and no more attempts to make things easy. Im goin on my way to makin the best of evrythin.. MUAXX!!